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Old 04-03-2015, 10:28 AM   #31
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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Originally Posted by GasOLane View Post
Some people may be allergic to Penicillin, but allergies to Paracetamol are rare.

And I think Legit290 was just generalising so it's not worth splitting hairs.

i made the point because a lot of people just suffer with it without getting help or are to ashamed to tell their GP.
My point was there is help there to make use of without worrying about any stigma.My point wasn't that anti-depressants are the be all end all but they are a step in the process.
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Old 09-03-2015, 11:28 PM   #32
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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So a question.....

How do you distinguish anxiety / depression with just everyday stress and "life stuff"?? At what point does one cross over? Is there a tipping point?
Diagnosis isnt something a GP should do, but psychs. Often there is a bit of exploration required for an official diagnosis. However, for example, description of traits (i.e long onset of low mood) through discussion will assist your GP to help identify appropriate treatment. If you look up DSM vii will offer descriptions of MH disorders as described the american psychological association, used by most clinicians.

But generally, the distinction or crossover between everyday stuff and a diagnosis is basically the inability to function or to achieve day to day living due to said disorder. Hope this makes sense.
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Old 10-03-2015, 04:14 PM   #33
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

I asked this question knowing there were similar threads on here. But I find, and this thread has proven, that the more you ask a question, word it slightly differently, more solutions are forthcoming. There are some brilliant snippets on people's individual coping mechanisms, and some brilliant and unique suggestions. Thankyou to those who contributed - i'm sure you have all helped more than just the OP
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Old 10-03-2015, 04:43 PM   #34
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http://www.bioprospect.com/
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Old 10-03-2015, 08:11 PM   #35
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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So a question.....

How do you distinguish anxiety / depression with just everyday stress and "life stuff"?? At what point does one cross over? Is there a tipping point?
Great Question!
I believe there is no cross over or tipping point.
It's a slow process that takes years, you don't even realise it's happening cause your not thinking about it.
If anyone is asking the above question your already on the right track!
Everyone is different so no one fix fits all.
Anti depressant drugs are not an answer, use only as a circuit breaker for a short time, maybe a week or so.
Talk to friends and family, you'll find out that everyone else is just as screwed up as I am!
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Old 10-03-2015, 08:34 PM   #36
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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Great Question!
I believe there is no cross over or tipping point.
It's a slow process that takes years, you don't even realise it's happening cause your not thinking about it.
If anyone is asking the above question your already on the right track!
Everyone is different so no one fix fits all.
Anti depressant drugs are not an answer, use only as a circuit breaker for a short time, maybe a week or so.
Talk to friends and family, you'll find out that everyone else is just as screwed up as I am!
Cheers.

Seems that there is so much more stress these days, and it feels like it only gets more and more. I try to have some releases, motorbike riding, projects etc but sometimes you feel like you are going to explode, but then come back and feel normal later. I guess from what I have read here, is that it is the not coming back to normal which could be the tipping point.
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Old 10-03-2015, 09:13 PM   #37
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

Yeah, seems stress breeds stress. The opposite works too and being around happy people makes you happy.
Sleep is another free kick as fast as I'm concerned, getting good sleep seems to make me think better and stress less.
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Old 10-03-2015, 09:30 PM   #38
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

There are some very brave people posting in this thread.
I hope all manage to beat this affliction.

thanks for sharing with us.
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Old 17-03-2015, 02:39 PM   #39
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

I've been on anti depressants for around 20 years because I was unhappy and angry but upon meeting my girlfriend a little under 12 months ago life was excellent so a month ago I decided to go off my medication.
Needless to say it was a very bad idea that almost cost me my relationship. My poor girlfriend had to put up with my terrible behaviour. Anyway, Today I went to the doctors and got a new prescription for anti depressants again. It will take a couple of days before a change is seen but sooner the better as I am ashamed of my behavior. My girlfriend has been to hell and back and she didn't deserve that. Now I'm back on my medication the happy me will be back again.
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Old 17-03-2015, 04:06 PM   #40
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

for people who do not take anti depression med s a big thing many do not know or understand is side effects


they are some time worse than the illness

in my case they have started to use anti epileptic drugs in pain control

but a very rare amount of people like me actually have epileptic fits when taking this type of drug

and the worst part is every one is different so doctors find it hard to say it is the drugs that make you sick

the basic thing is what does this drug do and many work on different parts of the brain


scarey thought
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Old 18-03-2015, 07:46 AM   #41
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

I avoided taking any form of anti-depressant. To me the addiction was to oblious and I didn't want to be dependent and stuck in the vicious circle.

The only way to combat it IMO was to seek ways to keep my mine busy, it doesn't always work and it's not easy when your mind wonders.
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Old 18-03-2015, 04:26 PM   #42
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

Bent 8…what is the name of the meds you are on?

When reading this thread, and many other things about this topic over the years, I can relate to a lot of the situations some people find themselves in and sometimes wonder if I too need help.

Mood swings. Doesn't take a much to set me off .
Have become aggressive in my behaviour
Mostly always have little or no patience
Worry about my kids or partner dying (although they are all in exceptionally good health)
Always do things in a hurry and panic when I'm late, or could be late, for something
Tend to take things personally when I'm normally pretty laid back
Worry that I won't be liked when I meet, or are introduced to, strangers
Avoiding social gatherings (not totally but if I can easily get out of a social event I will) .
Not getting quality sleep and always feeling tired.
Seem to never feel satisfied and the activities that most people enjoy (i.e like overseas holidays, seeing a concert of a favourite band) I wonder what the big deal is and don't get excited at all.

Background. 52 year old, twice married, twice divorced, now getting married again. Senior executive, comfortable life style , doing Ok financially, have 2 boys late teens. I'm in good heath and no real problems outside the ordinary things that folks go through.

Downside: Parents split when I was 8, my only sibling committed suicide when he was 21, knew 2 people killed at Port Arthur in 1996.
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Old 30-03-2015, 07:01 AM   #43
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

GT0132 - sounds like you are a little anxious, mate, where you are is a credit to you in life with all that you've been thru - well done dude!.

I recommend you speak with your GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist mate, as you'd like to discuss some things. Remember that a GP is a general practitioner, and may (or may not) be psych trained, whilst they are a good sounding point/sounding board, they can't help like a psych can. Psychs study for years and have years of experience - mine got to the bottom of my issues after 3 discussions. She is very helpful indeed.

Couple of things to bear in mind - with anti-depressents.
1. They take a while to settle in (up to 6 weeks) before they begin to help.
2. Remember they are there to help you get over the stuff you need to work through with a psych or someone similar.
3. I tried Lexapro which made me really ill. So that didn't work, so I moved to Cymbalta which has helped me quite a bit (I am fairly introverted, whereas with the Cymbalta alot of this fear is managed)
4. Read up on the side effects of whatever med you are subscribed so you know what you're getting into. Mine at first leave you in a bit of an interesting place while on the lower dosage which passes, then you go to a higher dosage after 4 weeks.

Just remember that the meds are there to help you through the difficult stuff, I was hell bent against them but, after seeing the psych a few times she prodded at the core of me which left me utterly destroyed the next couple of days after my session, thats where the meds REALLY have helped me.

Someone mentioned in one of the posts its good to keep busy, but when their mind wanders then not so good. I too have practiced this for many MANY MANY years, its called avoidance, I'm not good at it I'm the ******* master at it . Most people do it bear in mind.. Yes its nice to be busy but when I am left alone with my mind, I get myself in knots and REALLY mean in knots.

Anyway, hope my blurb helps. Remember the stats, one in five have mental health issues, two in five have anxiety and depression. And the stats are increasing in this sad ****** up society we live (exist) in.

EDIT : One more thing. Sleep is key. Absolutely imperative you get it. If you don't, break the cycle - get some sleeping meds to help you break the cycle - don't stay on them though. Use them to break the cycle to get back to a better sleeping routine. Again, like anti-depressents - they help re-establish things, not to be used long term. I have a thing called Imovane which works for me - it is prescription only.
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Old 30-03-2015, 07:07 AM   #44
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Cool Re: Depression, Anxiety

Quote:
Originally Posted by GT0132 View Post

Mood swings. Doesn't take a much to set me off .
Have become aggressive in my behaviour
Mostly always have little or no patience
Worry about my kids or partner dying (although they are all in exceptionally good health)
Always do things in a hurry and panic when I'm late, or could be late, for something
Tend to take things personally when I'm normally pretty laid back
Worry that I won't be liked when I meet, or are introduced to, strangers
Avoiding social gatherings (not totally but if I can easily get out of a social event I will) .
Not getting quality sleep and always feeling tired.
Seem to never feel satisfied and the activities that most people enjoy (i.e like overseas holidays, seeing a concert of a favourite band) I wonder what the big deal is and don't get excited at all.
If this is Depression, Anxiety or similar. Then welcome me to the club.
I thought it was just another variant of normal.
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Old 30-03-2015, 09:20 AM   #45
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

Quote:
Originally Posted by GT0132 View Post
Bent 8…what is the name of the meds you are on?

When reading this thread, and many other things about this topic over the years, I can relate to a lot of the situations some people find themselves in and sometimes wonder if I too need help.

Mood swings. Doesn't take a much to set me off .
Have become aggressive in my behaviour
Mostly always have little or no patience
Worry about my kids or partner dying (although they are all in exceptionally good health)
Always do things in a hurry and panic when I'm late, or could be late, for something
Tend to take things personally when I'm normally pretty laid back
Worry that I won't be liked when I meet, or are introduced to, strangers
Avoiding social gatherings (not totally but if I can easily get out of a social event I will) .
Not getting quality sleep and always feeling tired.
Seem to never feel satisfied and the activities that most people enjoy (i.e like overseas holidays, seeing a concert of a favourite band) I wonder what the big deal is and don't get excited at all.

Background. 52 year old, twice married, twice divorced, now getting married again. Senior executive, comfortable life style , doing Ok financially, have 2 boys late teens. I'm in good heath and no real problems outside the ordinary things that folks go through.

Downside: Parents split when I was 8, my only sibling committed suicide when he was 21, knew 2 people killed at Port Arthur in 1996.
Thanks for sharing.

A few things ring true here for me also, hence my question earlier in the thread, of "how do you know when you are cross that line".

I just don't know if I'm just getting overloaded with things in my life right now, or if it that these things are just not making me happy any more. Hard to say. Maybe my life is just too complicated and cluttered right now.
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Old 30-03-2015, 09:51 AM   #46
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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life is just too complicated and cluttered right now.
I think that can be a big problem. I know it is for me right now.
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Old 30-03-2015, 10:21 AM   #47
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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Thanks for sharing.

A few things ring true here for me also, hence my question earlier in the thread, of "how do you know when you are cross that line".

I just don't know if I'm just getting overloaded with things in my life right now, or if it that these things are just not making me happy any more. Hard to say. Maybe my life is just too complicated and cluttered right now.
I can relate to nearly everything GTO132 has written except for a different background story. I was like you, just thought I was over stretched in the work life balance stakes. That was until I had my first anxiety attack, trapped a nerve in my neck making the right hand side of my body numb. In my head I was having a stroke! Silly when I look back, but at the time very scary and real. I opted for counselling over a pysch, not saying one is better, just my preference at the time. I had quite a few sessions, learnt how to recognise when the anxiety was coming on, how to deal with it and I re prioritised my life.
Maybe an option for you to seek some expert advice before it gets to that stage, once you have an attack you then become anxious its going to happen again, creating a vicious circle.
Good luck with what ever choice you make, I talk about what happened to me with friends and was amazed at how many of them later admit they have had similar experiences. Really common, just needs to be spoken about more openly.
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Old 30-03-2015, 11:31 AM   #48
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260 View Post
Thanks for sharing.

A few things ring true here for me also, hence my question earlier in the thread, of "how do you know when you are cross that line".

I just don't know if I'm just getting overloaded with things in my life right now, or if it that these things are just not making me happy any more. Hard to say. Maybe my life is just too complicated and cluttered right now.

You know it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask a professional. Because if you do have it and do nothing it will only get worse. Getting it early you may be able to get on top of it before you need to take medication.
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Old 30-03-2015, 08:04 PM   #49
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

Quote:
Originally Posted by GT0132 View Post
Bent 8…what is the name of the meds you are on?

When reading this thread, and many other things about this topic over the years, I can relate to a lot of the situations some people find themselves in and sometimes wonder if I too need help.

Mood swings. Doesn't take a much to set me off .
Have become aggressive in my behaviour
Mostly always have little or no patience
Worry about my kids or partner dying (although they are all in exceptionally good health)
Always do things in a hurry and panic when I'm late, or could be late, for something
Tend to take things personally when I'm normally pretty laid back
Worry that I won't be liked when I meet, or are introduced to, strangers
Avoiding social gatherings (not totally but if I can easily get out of a social event I will) .
Not getting quality sleep and always feeling tired.
Seem to never feel satisfied and the activities that most people enjoy (i.e like overseas holidays, seeing a concert of a favourite band) I wonder what the big deal is and don't get excited at all.

Background. 52 year old, twice married, twice divorced, now getting married again. Senior executive, comfortable life style , doing Ok financially, have 2 boys late teens. I'm in good heath and no real problems outside the ordinary things that folks go through.

Downside: Parents split when I was 8, my only sibling committed suicide when he was 21, knew 2 people killed at Port Arthur in 1996.
**** man, sorry I missed this.

Ok, my GP prescribed me 30mg Alepam (oxazepam) with instructions to take a half to one full tablet when I need one.
At the time I was in a real mess and he wanted to calm me down, they work a treat, however, after discussing them with him further he tells me that they are only a short term remedy as the body becomes immune to them quite quickly.
In the mean time he arranged what is called a care plan which is essentially a referral for 6 consultations with a Psychologist.
If 6 isn't enough there is provisions for another 4 to a maximum of 10 in a 12 month period.
During my discussions with the Psych. he has told me that therapy alone wont be sufficient and I will need regular medication.
That will be suggested in his final review and will be addressed by my GP to follow up.

Having read what you are experiencing I can tell you that we suffer from exactly the same symptoms and they come from very similar life experiences.

Honestly mate, when you take that first tablet you will know you've made a positive step to help yourself.
I still cant believe the difference it has made in me, a month ago I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and there are moments when I feel that pressure bearing down, but now I just take half a tablet and in no time at all im at ease again.
So far I have needed 3.5 tablets in 5 weeks which is bugger all but the change in me is very noticeable.
Only side effect, now I notice how grumpy everyone else is...lol
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Old 31-03-2015, 08:58 AM   #50
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**** man, sorry I missed this.

Ok, my GP prescribed me 30mg Alepam (oxazepam) with instructions to take a half to one full tablet when I need one.
At the time I was in a real mess and he wanted to calm me down, they work a treat, however, after discussing them with him further he tells me that they are only a short term remedy as the body becomes immune to them quite quickly.
In the mean time he arranged what is called a care plan which is essentially a referral for 6 consultations with a Psychologist.
If 6 isn't enough there is provisions for another 4 to a maximum of 10 in a 12 month period.
During my discussions with the Psych. he has told me that therapy alone wont be sufficient and I will need regular medication.
That will be suggested in his final review and will be addressed by my GP to follow up.

Having read what you are experiencing I can tell you that we suffer from exactly the same symptoms and they come from very similar life experiences.

Honestly mate, when you take that first tablet you will know you've made a positive step to help yourself.
I still cant believe the difference it has made in me, a month ago I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and there are moments when I feel that pressure bearing down, but now I just take half a tablet and in no time at all im at ease again.
So far I have needed 3.5 tablets in 5 weeks which is bugger all but the change in me is very noticeable.
Only side effect, now I notice how grumpy everyone else is...lol
Ha ha...That's gold mate..and thanks for sharing.

So when you say you can become immune to these tablets quickly , will that still happen if you continue on your current regime of only 3.5 tabs every 5 weeks?...because, to me, that's not a big dose and may not be enough to cause immunity later on.



Cheers and thanks
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Old 31-03-2015, 10:37 AM   #51
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

Quote:
Originally Posted by GT0132 View Post
Mood swings. Doesn't take a much to set me off .
Have become aggressive in my behaviour
Mostly always have little or no patience
Worry about my kids or partner dying (although they are all in exceptionally good health)
Always do things in a hurry and panic when I'm late, or could be late, for something
Tend to take things personally when I'm normally pretty laid back
Worry that I won't be liked when I meet, or are introduced to, strangers
Avoiding social gatherings (not totally but if I can easily get out of a social event I will) .
Not getting quality sleep and always feeling tired.
Seem to never feel satisfied and the activities that most people enjoy (i.e like overseas holidays, seeing a concert of a favourite band) I wonder what the big deal is and don't get excited at all.
Bolded is the things I exhibit each day and it's affecting me more and more. Underlined I think of with slight variations

- I worry that my wife is wanting to leave me constantly with my son and leave me on my own to struggle
- I will panic if I decide I want to go somewhere and for some reason I put a time limit on how long it should take me, so any tasks that need to be done prior to this do get done in a rush and I do forget to do things, if I feel like I'm going to be 30 seconds late I get aggressive and unreasonable.
- I sleep between 9-11 hours a night and I'm still tired.

My memory is terrible, I will remember things from years and years ago yet you ask me who the last person is I spoke to on the phone and 60% of the time I can't tell you, or you tell me to put the bin out and I say yeah no worries, then it doesn't happen.

My wife thinks I'm bi-polar due to the way the aggressive me can just flick on and off, I know I should go to a doctor however for some reason I will not go to a male doctor and if I end up with an appointment with a male specialist I will cancel it.
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Old 31-03-2015, 01:31 PM   #52
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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You know it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask a professional. Because if you do have it and do nothing it will only get worse. Getting it early you may be able to get on top of it before you need to take medication.
Anyone had experience with going to a professional? Going through an extremely rough patch at the moment after being cheated repeatedly by different females over the years. The one that just happened has thrown me off the edge, affected my health and I don't see any way of getting better apart from doing what I have always done by bottling everything up, keeping to myself and turning a new page, but there are only so many times you can do this before you run out of pages.
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Old 31-03-2015, 02:04 PM   #53
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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Anyone had experience with going to a professional? Going through an extremely rough patch at the moment after being cheated repeatedly by different females over the years. The one that just happened has thrown me off the edge, affected my health and I don't see any way of getting better apart from doing what I have always done by bottling everything up, keeping to myself and turning a new page, but there are only so many times you can do this before you run out of pages.
Never been, but I fear that by going to one you'll spend hours and hours talking to someone for little benefit.

I understand that these issues are often due to some activity that has become hard coded into your brain which the therapists needs to unlock and get you back on track.

A magic fix would be nice and I gets that's why a lot of people prefer meds for that reason. However as one person has said, they only mask the problem, much like painkillers.
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Old 31-03-2015, 02:59 PM   #54
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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Anyone had experience with going to a professional? Going through an extremely rough patch at the moment after being cheated repeatedly by different females over the years. The one that just happened has thrown me off the edge, affected my health and I don't see any way of getting better apart from doing what I have always done by bottling everything up, keeping to myself and turning a new page, but there are only so many times you can do this before you run out of pages.
I get what GTO is saying, how can talking to a complete stranger for hours possibly change the reality that has been your life, but that thought process is part of the trap.
Believe me, I lived with that opinion for 38 years.

The best thing I ever did was talk to my GP about it, 30 seconds in and I was crying like a baby but you know what, he was listening and he wasn't judging.
He knows what a man looks like when he's at rock bottom and that's exactly where I was.
I was having a breakdown and the first priority was to calm me down and then to get me on the right path.

When I walked into that consultation room for the first time I was extremely apprehensive as to what difference talking to him would make to my problems.
The first question he asked me was 'what is the problem'.
With that one sentence a flood of emotion poured from me.

I didn't know where to start so I took us right back to my very first memories.
The story he received for his enquiry was confronting to say the least, it hasn't been an easy life. Truth is it wouldn't matter what the answer was, because that's not the point, the point is, he asked.

See this is what I believe the key to many peoples problems, they feel alone in their times of need.
Sometimes all they need is someone to say 'hey, is everything ok'.
To know that there is someone to talk to about whatever is bugging you without prompting that enquiry.
Peoples lives are so busy now that we don't actually have time to stop and smell the roses, to get everything off your plate or to check that the person next to you is ok.

I've had 7 sessions with the Psych and it would be naïve to think 4 hours of talking is going to erase 38 years of hits but what it has done is shown me that people do care, people will listen (even if it is for some serious coin lol) and most importantly that im not alone and shouldn't hide my problems away for fear of exposing a weakness.

Give it a go, whats the worst that could happen?
Imagine if it does help and what your life could be.
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Old 31-03-2015, 03:09 PM   #55
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

I guess it helps if your GP has an understanding of these issues and is able to diagnose the problem correctly and the need for treatment.
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Old 31-03-2015, 03:14 PM   #56
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Ha ha...That's gold mate..and thanks for sharing.

So when you say you can become immune to these tablets quickly , will that still happen if you continue on your current regime of only 3.5 tabs every 5 weeks?...because, to me, that's not a big dose and may not be enough to cause immunity later on.



Cheers and thanks
I guess if you followed the directions to the letter and had the maximum dosage everyday the things that trigger the anxiety would override the calming effects of the drug.
This is something I am wary of and the driving factor behind limiting how much I take.
I don't want it to be a daily necessity so on the good days I avoid it and concentrate on the positives in life.
When I feel things are building up or im faced with a scenario that triggers my anxiety I turn to the medication and I can focus again.
As I said earlier in the thread, they don't give you a high or leave you wanting more, they just clear many of the worries you have in that moment and allow you to look at the bigger picture.
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Old 31-03-2015, 06:36 PM   #57
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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Anyone had experience with going to a professional? Going through an extremely rough patch at the moment after being cheated repeatedly by different females over the years. The one that just happened has thrown me off the edge, affected my health and I don't see any way of getting better apart from doing what I have always done by bottling everything up, keeping to myself and turning a new page, but there are only so many times you can do this before you run out of pages.
Yep, I've been quite a few times to a psychologist and found that some are better than others. I ended up asking around and found a well respected one in my area. went to my GP to get a referral to this specific one. If you don't know one the GP should be able to recommend one.
The GP referral will get you half price for 6-12 sessions then go back to the GP when you need more.
Also if you have a government job (maybe some others) the psychologist can charge it to your work with no name or anything so work doesn't know who it is and you will get 4-6 sessions for free.
Ask them for any way they might know how to keep the cost down or subsidise it.(they know how expensive it can get.)

Anyway, can recommend it even if your just a little stressed, but definitely if life is starting to suck balls. Worth every penny.
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Old 31-03-2015, 08:14 PM   #58
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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**** man, sorry I missed this.

Ok, my GP prescribed me 30mg Alepam (oxazepam) with instructions to take a half to one full tablet when I need one.
This is what I was prescribed, only took it 3 times in a month, awesome. Doesn't make you sleepy, your brain is still capable of thoughts, even the negative ones, but you don't care about them. Knowing there was a way to get through the day without flipping out publicly was a huge help I found.
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Old 01-04-2015, 01:08 PM   #59
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

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Anyone had experience with going to a professional? Going through an extremely rough patch at the moment after being cheated repeatedly by different females over the years. The one that just happened has thrown me off the edge, affected my health and I don't see any way of getting better apart from doing what I have always done by bottling everything up, keeping to myself and turning a new page, but there are only so many times you can do this before you run out of pages.

Definitely go and see a professional. it helps talking to someone who doesn't know you to talk to. you can let everything out and know it stays in that room. They understand what you're going through and teach you how to deal with things your facing. I have been going to one for years now and over the last year or so I have only needed to go once. I had a bit of a hiccup and went back before things got worse again. only seem them twice and all good again. Don't let these things fester inside you and it will eats you up. you need to share to get it off you mind. A saying I was told once was a problem shared is a problem halved.
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Old 01-04-2015, 06:16 PM   #60
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Default Re: Depression, Anxiety

If you guys want to go to some form of counselling but its too expensive for you, you can book an appointment with your GP and ask to go onto a care plan, and you can get 5 free visits to the psych.

Better than no visits IMO, should give it a crack as you can talk to them about anything which might be hard to raise to family members/friends.
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