Mental Disease, and you.

[Sourbastard]

It has come to our attention that the motoring public are suffering from a series of mental and physical ailments, we have tried to catalogue them here in an attempt to have transparency in the Mental health field.

Holden Owner Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Must have the maturity of a 10 year old

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
Feelings of invulnerability
Believe you may be the bastard son of Peter Brock
Hallucinations -
Peter Brock or Mark Skaife may appear in your passenger seat to give you encouragement to overtake everything you see
An image of a supercharged engine may appear to erupt from the bonnet of your VK commodore when a Ford approaches
Greg Murphy in Leprachaun outfit may dance on the bonnet in the early mornings
Bathurst Flashbacks from years before you were born. May appear in Black and White.
Physical Traits -
Inability to remain behind a vehicle thats not a Holden
Weaving through traffic
If beaten during an illegal drag race, will accelerate to 140kph just to appear to win. Hallucination of Brockie will encourage this.

Treatment
There are only two known methods of treatment for this Mental Disease. Death; or having the commodore stolen by your cousins and used in a ram raid, then torched.

Prognosis
Prognosis without treatment is fatal. As is Treatment.


Magna Owner Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Must have the personality of a dead trout

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
Believe that a 5 year warranty is valuable
Think that the latest Magna does not look like an Upside Down Canoe.
You consider yourself a safe driver.
You consider a VRX a performance car.
Hallucinations -
When driving long distances, I love Lucy episodes replace normal vision.
Physical Traits -
Inability to maintain Speed Limit. Anywhere.
Other traffic's sudden movements scares you up onto the sidewalk or into the Median Strip.
When turning right into a slip lane, you are unable to get your car all the way into the lane, blocking traffic for miles while you hesitate.

Treatment
Drivers license should be revoked as soon as possible.

Prognosis
Prognosis without treatment is long term debilitating hesitation, followed by extended periods of indecision and distraction.


Japanese Import Owner Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Must enjoy Trance Music

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
You think all your friends are fully sik
You think your car is fully sik
you think the glowing LED's around your licenses plates are fully sik
Hallucinations -
With the music loud enough and the Internal Strobe light running, you may try and buy Ecstacy from a Mcdonalds Drive through.
Sonic the Hedgehog may appear alongside the car, will glow and flash and challenge you to a race. This is most likely a policecar.
Physical Traits -
Attracted to Undercar Neons like a Moth to a naked flame.

Treatment
Lebanese Car thieves can alleviate this problem quickly with only a smidgeon of violence and Uleh.

Prognosis
Ownership of a Japanese Import makes you the Policemans best friend. Continual driving will can cause epilepsy and pants that dont fit over your underwear.


AU Falcon Owner Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Inability to afford newer car, but not povvo enough to have to drive an E series.

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
Will not admit that the AU is ugly, ever. It will one day turn into a beautiful swan, with enough spoiler kits and big enough wheels.
Hallucinations -
None - you know its ugly too but you lie to yourself constantly
Physical Traits -
Rework engine as much as possibile so you can say "Well atleast its fast."

Treatment
Purchase a car that doesnt look like a Ford Taurus on Steroids.

Prognosis
Without treatment the owner will begin to become more delusional, to the point where even modern art becomes attractive


BA Falcon Owner Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
A Superiority Complex that you cannot climb over with a ladder

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
Believe the BA is not overweight. Its just Big Boned.
Believe the Modular V8 Engine is not a super massive monstrosity of American over engineering. Its a medium sized monstrosity of American Over engineering.
Hallucinations -
Alan Moffat speaks to you through the ICC. Thats why you cant remove it, thats where he lives now.
Physical Traits -
Owners are thin and undernourished in an attempt to bring the power to weight ratio up.
Your invoices from Herrods require two stamps.

Treatment
There is no known treatment for this condition, until ford bring out a heavier car with an even heavier engine.

Prognosis
Eventually fatal as bolemia sets in.


Volvo Owner Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Paranoia that all traffic is out to get you
All "car trips" to be considered a tourist event for all involved including the driver.

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
You arent sure if theres any other traffic on the road, you have never looked.
You are the best driver on the road, and in over 70 years of driving you have never once had an accident. That you have noticed.
Hallucinations -
Continual Halucinations (Usually "Carry On" Movies) randomly played through the skull as an entertainment system for the driver.
Physical Traits -
Hunch Back, Purple Hair and floral frock are the usual traits of the passenger. The driver varies but the norm is a driving hat and some form of houndstooth jacket uniform. Veering from lane to lane and the inability to come within single digits of the speed limit is merely a side effect of the entertainment system.

Treatment
Retirement & Jason 2000 Recliner

Prognosis
Untreated the Volvo driver will continue to take others into the grave with him.

Minginator SYndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Pathological Modifier

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
You have tried 3 times and failed to register your car as a commercial aircraft.
You cannot understand why your car has achieved cult status among angst filled teenagers in the forum, because the car is just to pick up the kids and the groceries.

Hallucinations -
When you visit your car in the Garage, you can hear a voice yelling "FEED ME SEYMOUR!". This problem has sometimes led to you being found tucked in a corner of the garage fending off intruders with a torque wrench and a length of fuel line.
If you stare long enough into the engine bay, all the equipment in it appears to shrink, forcing you to fumble for your credit card and Herrods Speed Dial Button. Domino's delivery may also be called to quell the shakes until equipment arrives from the overnight courier.
You experience Time Dilation during 1/4 mile runs. You are unsure if this is a hallucination or a physical manifestation from approaching the speed of light.

Physical Traits -
An overwhelming desire to sit on people
Drools uncontrollably upon sighting chrome finish or braided hose
All items of clothing including undergarments carry sponsor logos
Eyes are glazed and pupils constantly dilated due to G Force trauma.
Memory bad due to lack of blood getting to the brain from blackouts caused by high speed maneuvers.

Treatment
Wine, Women & song. (This is more of a distraction than a treatment).
Keep patient calm, cool and comfortable at all times. Drunk is better. Stoned is perfect. Hourly Fast Food injections.


Prognosis
Laminginator Syndrome has no known cure and will eventually lead to Laminginator II Syndrome, Laminginator III Syndrome et al. Eventually a vehicle will be built that when driven will produce enough torque to crush itself and the human occupant into a box the size of a sugar cube.

E Series Owner SYndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Being a P Plater is a state of mind.

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
You believe you have Engineering abilities because you can wield a zip tie and duck tape.
You are sure fitting enough BA parts will actually rewind your odometer.
Your try to convince others that your tyres arent bald, they are special racing retreads.
You keep adding layers of bodgey tint in an attempt capture that "Gansta Pimp" Look. You consider fitting Jaycar Sonar to navigate during the night as you cant see Jack.
You tell your peers that your car is "dumped" when in reality you have sold your springs for fuel money, and replaced them with Milo Tins.

Hallucinations -
You can sense the boost from your electric supercharger.
When you are Black Flagged and ejected from the McDonalds Superdrome aka drive thru lane, for excessive smoke and a loose bumper, you complain to the Race Stewards aka McDonalds Manager.
When your engine bay catches alight, you try and convince the police that it came that way from the factory. They believe you and leave.

Physical Traits -
You can be seen lingering near the canon muffler aisle of supercheap, dreaming of what could be, then purchase that 6 pack of degreaser and a new head gasket, remembering what is.

Treatment
A Regular income and an actual savings plan.

Prognosis
Without treatment the E Series owner will continue to fix his vehicle until no stock parts remain, however the value of the vehicle will never increase to a level higher then the owners next happy meal purchase, minus the value of the free toy.

Cleveland Owner Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Senility due to old age

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
All time stopped for you in 1984 when the last Cleveland was produced.
You believe that eventually Cardigans will come back into style, once Ford "Wakes Up!" and start producing brand new Carbie fed Clevelands for the BC Falcon.
You believe all fuel bills should be 3 digits long on a weekly basis.
Even though your toploader has the feel of a stiltson wrench in bucket of river rocks you think its pretty slick.
You truely believy handling involves a threefold increase in horsepower.
You cruise aimlessly seaking out that one last bowser of real super, not that poofy premium.

Hallucinations -
Cleveland owners dont have hallucinations, they tell it like it is with frank honesty and integrity. Even when they are hallucinating.

Physical Traits -
Back injuries from the mistaken belief that 3 adult males can actually lift out an FMX unassisted.
Hand injuries due to clutching the wheel during takeoff in a vain attempt to control the vehicle.

Mullet Hairdos. Sideburns. Flannel Shirts. Winnie Blues.

Treatment
Being dragged kicking and screaming into the present on a daily basis.

Prognosis
Untreated the cleveland owner will continue to live in the past, until they are all gathered together in a theme park on an island, to live out the remainder of their lives in their traditional dinosaur way.

4 Cylinder Ford Owners Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Poor Depth Perception
Overly Optimistic

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
You believe that power is not as important as handling... even though your car travels slow enough that wooden wheels would not effect handling.
You want to get larger wheels for the car, but your little sister guards her rollerblades too well.
You constantly try to differentiate one model 4 cylinder from another, while those with complete cars can see no difference as they accelerate past them on the highway.
You refuse to admit any similarity between a Zetec and a Victa GTS Lawnmower engine.

Hallucinations -
When driving on dirt, you become possessed by the spirit of Possum Bourne.
When repairing the car after driving on dirt and discovering you dont actually own a rally car, Possum honks the horn and demands to know whats taking so long.

Physical Traits -
Unresponsive hearing resulting from continual honks from passing traffic.
The ability to contort your body into a shoebox with enough spare room to still look around and say "roomy"

Treatment
The only known cure is to save enough money to buy the missing 4 cylinders.

Prognosis
Untreated the patient could spiral into agoraphobic responses, retreating inside the car like a hermit, turning up a Kenny G Album, and ignoring the outside world completely.

Red Telstar Owners Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Inferiority Complex
Lower then average intelligence

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
You believe your vehicle to be secure from theft.
You believe that telling everyone else that their car looks great will generate a return compliment.
You honestly believe its a Ford, not a Mazda.
You believe you will one day join the Police, but more likely will only ever wear the Proud and Honoured uniform provided by Safeway.
You think that others suffering from 4 Cylinder Ford Owners Syndrome actually count you as one of them.... when they dont

Hallucinations -
Sometimes you are surrounded by friends and loving family. Heh....
You sometimes witness the Telstar reach 110kph.
Everynow and then, you make important statements.

Physical Traits -
An abiliy to turn invisable so as to be able see and talk about events that have happened, with explicit knowledge, while giving the impression of never actually attending said event
A large bottom lip to stop the drool from hitting your keyboard as you dream of owning a real car while steadfastly defending your decision to buy the Telstar to all who will listen.

Treatment
Incurable Disease.

Prognosis
As this syndrome is incurable, the only prognosis can be negative. The most anyone around the patient can hope for is a long painful death, preferrably involving a Transexual, a Length of Steel Pipe, and a Garter Belt.

Ute Owners Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Rural Mentality
Unnatural lust for Livestock

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
You believe giant mudflaps are a sign of sophistication.
You believe Suspension ride height should be measured in feet, not millimeters.
You believe that 4 or more UHF Radio's makes you a better communicator, but you still cant talk to a woman on the air in a conversation more in depth then "Can I come around and feel your Boobs?"
You believe Slim Dusty isnt dead, he is living with John Wayne in small cattle ranch outside of Tuscon.

Hallucinations -
When driving in the country you make "BRRRRRRM TOUSH" sounds and pretend you are driving a B Double. Your gearbox is close to death from being double clutched into the same gear 12 times in a row.
Your girlfriend is an invisible sheep called Polly. You cheat on her with other Sheep though. She wont find out.

Physical Traits -
Your 8 Track collection contains both kinds of music. Country and Western.
Ariel Whiplash marks from attempting to wash the car on windy days.

Treatment
For gods sake, find a female. Human this time, and not a family member.

Prognosis
Untreated the ute owner will eventually join the National Party, and become Premier of Queensland.

FPV Owners Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Rampant Narcissism

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
Unable to admit that a Tickford vehicle is in anyway superior to your FPV.
You label anyone with a different opinion as an Infidel.
You consider FPV vehicles to not be forms of transport. Rather they are religious shrines on wheels, piloted by God himself.
At night, you read passages to your children from the Holy GT-P Owners Manual.

Hallucinations -
You can't see any other cars on the road since buying the FPV.

Physical Traits -
You carry an FPV christening kit with you at all times. It consists of an FPV Hat, a bottle of holy water, sourced from the FPV Workshops Roof Downpipe, and a Leatherbound parchment logbook, containing all of your journeys in the car in Spidery yet Precise hand writing.

Treatment
An uninsured 14 year old in a rusted HQ Holden ploughing through the car at high speed is the preferred method of treatment.

Prognosis
Without treatment, like most religious zealots, they become martyrs to their cause.


Tickford Owners Syndrome
Psychological Requirements:
Persecution Complex

Symptoms:
Delusional Traits -
You are planning on having the car laminated to preserve it for your great great grandchildren, so they can see what a "Real Car" looked like before the Dark Times. Before the Empire! I mean... FPV!
You are certain if you whine enough to FPV owners they will eventually change their minds and trade in their GT's for T3's.
You treat every conversation as an opportunity to discuss the wonders of the Tickford and convert more members. Strangers shun you.

Hallucinations -
You sit cross legged in your driveway and converse with Henry Ford on the true nature of sports cars.

Physical Traits -
Even your toilet has a Tickford Badge adhered to the seat.

Treatment
One night your family gag and bind you, while they trade in the T3 for a sensible Kia Rio.

Prognosis
Without treatment the Tickford Owners eventually gather in secret groups and perform cult rituals.

And for those that cant take a joke, the following are the vehicles for you




And yes... those of you not on this list... we will get around to you too :p