Put some jokes here (non dirty)

[Ringo]

Can't remember if I had posted this or not....

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't gain more than few hundred feet before it stalled and plunged into the ground

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[bjr22n_]

hahahahaha
lucky i wasn't drinking hot coffee bahahaha

[gozza]

this joke really needs to be told and needs to be taken lightly lol

a woman gos to her local doctor wanting a natural abortion
the doctors says we have just the thing
take an apple and insert it into your vagina then do the same with a mars bar 5 mins later
so the lady does as shes instructed and is told to do it every day for a week

a week later she gos back to the doctor to see how things are going
he takes her into his room and whilst holding a hammer asks her to repeat the process this time with ONLY the apple

5 mins passes....nothing
10 mins......nothing
20 mins later the baby sticks his head and and says
"where me F&*king Mars Bar you C&**............crack (with the hammer)

[foxtrot]

Originally Posted by Ringo

Can't remember if I had posted this or not....

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't gain more than few hundred feet before it stalled and plunged into the ground

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

The other feller was just on the fone to a customer!
and thanks to this joke I burst out laughing and now he's ИИИИed off

lolol hahahahahahahhahahahah

SO GOOD

[bjr22n_]

A Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller "why it change, yestoday I get two hunat Dollar fo yen - today
I get a Hunat eighty?"
The teller says - "fluctuations
The Japanese guy says "fluc you white guys too"

[bjr22n_]

Three girls were at the pub getting drunk all night, so they finally got up and made the decision to go home, so made their way home.

The next day they all meet up at the pub and tell each other on the bad experiences they had when they got home.

The first one said when i got home, i took the car out for a ride and smashed it into a tree and i have no insurance.....

The second one said, when i got home i got into a huge fight with my husband and knock over a candle and burnt the entire house down....

And the third one said when i got home i blew chunks all night.

The first two said thats not so bad.

The third lady replied, you don't understand, chunks is the name of my dog..

: :the_finge :the_finge :the_finge : : :

[bjr22n_]

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom is God Michael Jackson?"

[foxtrot]

ahahah they were great bjr22n, i liked the japanese one hahahahahhaha

[FordFan86]

1+1 = 2

[TURBOTAXI]

Originally Posted by foxtrot

eh??????

You not getting that is funny in itself. :Reverend:

[Lightning Strike GT]

With some sad news the New and improved Irish airline Paddy airways ten seater Piper Cherokee crashed last night on take off into the local cemetary so far they have managed to dig up over 200 dead bodies and there seems to be no survivours.

Q What do you call a shed full of lesbians
A A liquor (licker) barn.

[gozza]

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur

lickolottapuss

what do you call a gay dinosaur

megasoreass

[xbcool]

Q:Why dontblind people parachute?
A:cause it scares the crap out of their dog


Q:How did the blind parachutist know he was near the ground ?
A:the leash went slack

[Feathers]

Q: What was Helen Keller's dog's name?
A: kugdhalerhdgnperguhawrhohfgw

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
A: You would too if your name was kugdhalerhdgnperguhawrhohfgw

(It's a lot funnier if you know a deaf person and have heard them speak)

[Deadman]

Michael Jackson was recently done for drugs. He had Class A drugs in his living room, Class B drugs in his bathroom, and Class 5C in his bedroom.

piece of string walks into a bar, bartender says "sorry, we don't serve pieces of strings here, are you a piece of string?", string says "yes" and walks out side. the piece of string then starts to beat itself up and walks back in. bartender says "sorry, we don't serve pieces of strings here, are you a piece of string?", piece of string says "fraid not" (get it? - knot ...)

horse walks into a bar, bartender says "why the long face?"

guy walks into a bar - you think he would have seen it.

why did bill fall of the bike? bill was a fish.

two cows were in a paddock, one said "moo" - the other one said "I was just about to say that"

the cow was on the farmers roof - the farmer said "get down", the cow said "moo"

what's yellow and doesn't float? a tractor

what's white and doesn't fly? a fridge

(sorry if any are a repost)

[Deadman]

Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

Got hit by the first koala.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Thought it was a game.

Why did the kangaroo die?

Got hit by a bunch of falling koalas.

[deesun]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice

[BA Bakes]

Q: Why couldnt the Dolphin fit thru the doorway?
A: It was driving a tractor.

Q: What sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby with a potato peeler.

"Remember when you were litlle and you use to blown bubbles in the bath? Well Bubbles is out of jail and wants to catch up!!"

[devilracer_01]

Originally Posted by gozza

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur

lickolottapuss

what do you call a gay dinosaur

megasoreass

Gold nice work

[divine_afg]

Originally Posted by gozza

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur

lickolottapuss

what do you call a gay dinosaur

megasoreass

good 1 mate

[Charliewool]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before
I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,

who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully you dumb *** horse.

For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[bjr22n_]

Originally Posted by charliewool

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before
I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,

who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully you dumb *** horse.

For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

Quality.... can i use that joke at work 2day?

[Ringo]

yep - forwarding that one on.....and the twins one....so cruel, so funny.

[gtfpv]

cowboy riding on a dirt road . on his horse in the middle of the dessert, comes across an indian lying on the road with his ear to the groung . amazed he says to the indian . HEY CHIEF WHAT YOU DOIN??
chief replies in a slow voice : STAGE COACH....... pause 4 HORSES...... pause 6 PASSENGERS.
cowboy is utterly amazed at how the indian can do this . so says . CHIEF THIS IS UTTERLY AMAZING . HOW DO YOU DO THAT
chief replies ... BROKE MY NECK..

[Ringo]

I can't remember if this has been posted yet...its from my joke files.
Two Irishmen Paddy and Shamus were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from their burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Shamus stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the Shamus blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of the Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

Paddy looked disgustedly at Shamus whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to p*ss in the boat."

[Charliewool]

On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the

negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on.

She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore

that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey,

as I remember, I said, "Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs
and screw your brains out".

She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now

it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

[bjr22n_]

One One was a racehorse,
Two Two was One too,
One One won one race,
Two Two won one too.

(1 1 was a racehorse,
2 2 was 1 2,
1 1 1 1 race,
2 2 1 1 2)

funny at 3am on a Sunday morning after drinking 15 vodka’s and orange.

[foxtrot]

Originally Posted by bjr22n

One One was a racehorse,
Two Two was One too,
One One won one race,
Two Two won one too.

(1 1 was a racehorse,
2 2 was 1 2,
1 1 1 1 race,
2 2 1 1 2)

funny at 3am on a Sunday morning after drinking 15 vodka’s and orange.

LOL

I just put that on my phone for next time i'm drinkin with the guys. they will kack up :

[BA Bakes]

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him so he pulls a compass out of his pencil case and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his compass out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out the compass and stabs himself.

Later on in the evening he wakes up in the inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones "You've let me down, you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down"

[foxtrot]

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.