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Originally Posted by Spudz27
I am not sure if I have posted previously but have suffered depression as long as I remember. I have attempted suicide once and went out in my car 3-4yrs ago with the intention of doing trying again. Weekly I wonder if I should just end it, but for whatever reason I don't go past the thought. It sucks, one day I am king of the world with all these aspirations, the next minute I could nearly cry. Yesterday I made the decision to quit my job and study allied health as for some reason I can help others but not myself. It is a huge step giving up a wage, we are by no means well off, but the course only comes round once every few years and at 33 I am at a time in life where I do something good with my life and get into a growing industry that interests me or stay a retail pleb. This morning I am lying here saying **** it, it is all too hard. My current job the business was sold and I have gone from manager to pleb, the stress of that change with everything else, saw me rage at my new boss and I mean rage, is a long story what triggered it but I was blamed for something that was his responsibility and it was enough for me to go mental at him. He has walked in and pushed me aside, changing the whole structure doesn't value or care for my input but asks weirdly, cut my hours etc. I had been thinking of allied health before the change but felt guilty leaving my old boss in the lurch and feel guilty if I quit on my new boss as without me the business will fail as they actually know nothing about the industry or how to operate the business but it feels time for me to move on for me. I am not on meds and refuse to be and every time I see phsyc, they tell me they get paid for nothing as they can't tell me anything I don't know, often they say I should be one lol. But although I know what to do to help myself I never seem able to implement it. I spend money to be happy which causes issues and I always regret it. Getting married in oct and have not saved a ******* cent. I am at a loss and unless I can figure out a way to help myself, I am ******.
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mate i don't pretend to be an expert this area, no need to pretend, i AM this area, now its your business who you see for therapy, but you sound very much within the boundaries of my disorder a BPDER beepeedee'er , Borderline Personality Disorder, note this title is still being debated after decades of not understanding and unable to successfully treat 40+% of sufferers, this is an overlapping disorder depending on many factors, ,main content causes are neurological, cerebral damage in or out the womb, but mostly undiagnosed and/or treated childhood trauma. .be it sexual, physical or as in my case, manipulated by a mildly incestuous overbaring parent who thrives on lifting and downing their childs physical and mental esteem ., to the point of co-dependancy between both. whilst more than often displaying childhood symptoms of OCD/ADHD/ or in my case and many of my family's members...aspergers. without treatment life has been one hell of a ride for me, near 50 years later i was properly diagnosed and trialed meds to best suit me and mine.. anti anxiety and AADHD meds allow me to(wantingly) complete the ONLY treatment known to succeed, a variation of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy designed especially for BPD, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, I'm still awaiting acceptance into the course,but as in any medical benefit i receive, am very grateful for it and patience is a virtue concerning public hospitals, grateful is a privilege. so i will suggest and hope not to offend in anyway, find a psychiatrists whom, with patience and persistance, will listen to your diagnostic reports (no one knows ya body and mind better) and as in any intricate engineering marvel , help YOU troubleshoot. 30years of non diagnostic aid, 10 years one psychiatrist's misdiagnosis and 8 years f another before taking overvthe reigns myself with the aid of my GP and the Internet we read and learnt together before referring to a psychiatrist of choice for med trials and any other idea I MIGHT HAVE to help with the anxiety barriers i felt were the most important to eliviate one by one, first was my co-dependant major separation anxiety suffering lapdog, keeping me from too much public interaction anxiety causing IEDs Intermittent Explosive Disorder, which is what I/me read symptoms of in your posts.i think SYZ or MAYDAYA (other members of this thread) can also relate to that one, these seemingly small disorders ,i refer to as Side Disorders, which are also a good place to start, remembering that baby steps realistic goals are a must and you mustn't allow any one to belittle what small achievement you could only manage this day, month, year, every step is your achievement, and i cry and scream and smile and laugh and fade in n out of depression and suicidal thoughts and asperations every day sometimes ALL in one day ...but finally all these years later, i see achievements that need no other person's recognition than mine. and that is all you can ask of yourself. please private message me and the others if you would like to discuss or vent just quietly for now. no judgement here,, plenty of love and support though, and no sorry i am a hetro with emotional, verbal and mental filtering blockers giving a myriad sexual preference impressions
as we say here Keep Up the Good Fight
ps another tell tale of BPD is the ability to council with expertise and the inhabilty to take heed of said council.