[pauljh74]

Pommy joke

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in The North Sea
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster!!!
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F$%^ off, you won't bring it back."
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Why men's friends are better than women's.

A woman stays late in work and has a few drinks with her boss, they end up going back to his place and she doesn't go home till the next morning. when she arrives home she says to her husband, i stayed at a friends house, with this he called her 10 best mates who all said they don't know anything about where she stayed.

A man ends up in the same situation and his wife calls his 10 best mates, of which 8 claimed he had stayed with them that night, while the other 2 claimed he was still there asleep.
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At an International beer convention, the heads of several breweries decided to go out and chat after the conferences, so they went to a pub. The head of Carling ordered a Black Label. The head of bass ordered a bass. The head of Guiness ordered a soda. The other two looked at him strangely. Finally, the head of Guiness said, "Well, if you tossers aren't drinking, neither am I."
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Son, can you tell the difference between the British tanks and the Iraqi tanks?
No sir!
Then welcome to the United States Army.........
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They're going to start playing porn at the fuel pumps....

This is so you can watch someone else being screwed at the same time as you.
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Remember years ago when they were making Braveheart? Everyone was saying, "Oh, its ridiculous; Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy? That's not going to be very convincing!"

But take a look at him now: an alcoholic Racist!
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What is all the fuss about Islamic head-scarfs in schools? Surely, if you are a devout enough Muslim to want your daughter to wear the head-scarf, you would be devout enough not to want to educate women?
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A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up.

After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers. "Excuse me, sir," he says, "are you Mohammed?"
"No," replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs."
"But this is wonderful news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it."

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard. "Excuse me, sir," he says, "are you Mohammed?"
"No," replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs."
"But this is amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

"Excuse me, sir," he says "are you Mohammed?"
"No" replies the old man, "I am God."
"But this is absolutely amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!"

"You look tired my son," said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?"
"Oh yes," replied the bomber, "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you."

The bomber sits down and God says, "you look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of tea?"
"Oh yes, please," replies the bomber, "I am most thirsty, thank you."

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, "Oi, Mohammed, two teas over here, and make it snappy!!"
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A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky
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My wife got me to tie her to the bed last night. When I did, she said that I could do anything I wanted.

So I had a shave and went down to the pub.
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A young British soldier lost his head during a fire fight and ran for cover some distance from the action.
He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon.
He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and heard a calming American voice behind him say, "What the do you think you're doing here, soldier? Think of your regiment...get back there and do what your paid to do."
The young soldier got himself back under control and said, "Sorry, mate, you're right."
The voice behind him bellowed, "MATE? I am an American Officer!"
The young soldier replied, "Sorry, Sir, I didn't realise I'd run back that far."
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A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "we have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "we had great mathematicians."
The Italian says, "we had the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "we invented sex."
The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "that is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."
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Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
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What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, then goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
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