[Mesa]

I was diagnosed with 'Major Depressive Disorder' in 2008. Didn't even know what it was let alone having it. To me depression was for the weak miserable sods who spent all day sulking over something and didn't want to do anything about it apart from blaming everyone else. I was wrong. I knew I was constantly angry for no reason and often planned suicide. I wasn't 'sad' or 'upset' over anything at all. The morning I put the wheels in motion was the only time one of my workmates turned up early and foiled the attempt. He didn't realise what I was doing, still doesn't to this day. A few days later I was sent to the medical centre when the anger thing was getting out of control by my boss. Figuring the best I'd scam was a few days off, I went. I was immediately hospitalised. I was diagnosed shortly after. I spent many months in and out of hospital on a variety of medications. In 2011 I was permanently pensioned off from work, classed 'unemployable'.

I've been on many different medications including Lithium, Zoloft, Valdoxyn etc etc. TBH, I never felt any difference at all, so I stopped taking meds a year ago. I also continue to see a psychologist and psychiatrist.

I've been lucky in the sense that I was covered financially through my employer. After long protracted legal battles I've been awarded costs for future care. There's still legal battles ahead. Generally over the cause (constant exposure to large quantities of highly toxic chemicals) I'm also lucky to have a supportive wife and kids though the struggle has taken it's toll in some of those relationships. There's also the physical aspects that play on my mind like loosing fine motor skills (hands mainly), small spots on the frontal lobe of the brain, short term memory loss, unexplained growths on the arms etc etc.

Each day is different. I still have a short fuse, though I do control it better. I certainly have days where I prefer to be left well alone. To be pensioned off so early in my working life and career before I hit 50 still hurts. My quality of life has stabilised, if not improved slightly. If there was a miracle cure for this I'd take it.

Whatever your preconceptions on depression are, I can't stress enough the need to seek medical advice ASAP if you feel something maybe wrong. However what medication works for some may have zero affect on others and every case is different. There are also a number of helplines you can call anonymously. Most of all, talk to someone, anyone. It helps and besides, we all deserve to see how it all turns out!!